I found this on Craigslist today.

“We are looking for a talented individual who can write Unix/Linux software to emulate Microsoft APIs.
This will be an initial short contract, potentially followed by others.

Skills required:

Ability to write C/C++.
Computer science or programming training.
Previous experience in this area a big plus.

Other requirements:

Independent, skilled, able to work alone and with minimal supervision. Excellent problem-solving skills. While we will offer help, it will not be of the hand-holding variety, and anyone who doubts their ability to do this work should not apply.

Context:

You will work under a highly experienced Unix guru, who will help plan the project, be available to help troubleshoot during the programming, and test the final product.

Time commitment:

Approximately 40 hours.

Please e-mail your resume with a cover letter summarizing your relevant skills and experience, and why you think you are suitable for this project. References are essential.”

I think someone underestimated the scope of the problem.

Found on Craiglist (the source of most of my amusement):

“Greetings,

I am looking for a professional software developer with at least 5 years of experience to head up our R&D division.

Familiarity with these tools and technologies are essential:

XML
Java
Perl
Shell Scripting
C#/.Net
MS SQL
Oracle
MySQL
Linux
FreeBSD
OpenBSD
Mac OS X
Windows 2000/XP/2003/Vista
WWW (Apache,IIS,Tomcat, etc.)

Please provide a text resume and cover letter.
Portfolios would be nice.

Thank you.”

Portfolios?

One of our correspondents found this gem:

Budget: $ 1000-3000
Required Skills: C++ / C, Computer Platforms, Database Development, Graphics / Multimedia, Programming
Attached Files: (None)

Description:
Hi,

So I’m posting for a rather large project. I need someone to program me a new OS (Operasting System) that looks different than Ms Windows XP etc. but has the same style. It does not need to run on a mac but all the other PCs. It’s supposed to have a stylish look with clear edges etc. And ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE JUST A REDESIGNED WINDOWS as I’m going to sell that operating system later on. It’s going to be called BlueOrb.

These are some important points :

It should have ALL THE FEATURES that Windows Xp Professional has.
ALL the files that run on Windows XP ust also run on the BlueOrb OS.
It must have a very user-friendly interface (like MS WINDOWS XP)
When it gets Installed, the user needs to insert a serial number.
It HAS to be HACKER SAFE!
It must be quick and good looking.

Note that I only accept quality work and do not want any quickly done BS.

greetz,

As of this posting, the average bid amount was $313,537.91 and the average delivery time was 322 Days

But hey, on the upside, that’s cheaper and faster than Microsoft’s development of Vista.

Gotta love this one:

“hello everyone,
I’m looking for a top developer who may develop a web site for us. similar to google adsence or www.adbrite.com

You are also required to sign a contract with us for two years to provide us with support and up grades to the site.”

Sure, build an entire web ad system, and support it for two years, for someone who can’t even spell. I’ll bet that will pay big bucks.

Shit Manager with Mainframe exp

Reply to: see below
Date: 2007-01-29, 9:14AM EST

We are looking for a Shift Manager to Co-ordinate and control a team of computer operations professionals in the operation of a computing facility, to include the execution and problem recovery of all production batch processing. Schedule and co-ordinate all activities associated with changes within the Data Center relating to hardware, software and application environments, including on-line and network applications. Ensure all service level agreements are adhered to and service delivery timelines are met for all clients. Manage all problem situations within the data centre to ensure there is minimal disruption to online and production batch schedules. This is a fulltime position. Apply today in confidence!

Location: Toronto
Compensation: 60-65K
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

(And no, there was no contact information. Remember, always proof read those job ads, kids!)

“I run a small online company that has inventory set up Access. I want to use that db to run my website inventory listings.

Need someone good and cheap. And fast and reliable.

Email any questions.”

Only one question: why the hell are you using Access?

PHP, SQYL and CSS and Flash

We are looking for webdesigners able to assist us with PHP, CSS, SQYL and Flash work. If you are highly qualified in these fields please contact us for further information.

No typo, they said it twice!

One of our correspondents received this email recently. Apparently the recruiter had just discovered the wonders of HTML email. Unfortunately, she has yet to learn about spell-check.
(I’ve sanitized the email to protect the guilty, but I had to leave in the legal boilerplate at the end. Those things are just too funny.)

copied and pasted verbatim

Objective:
Technical Support Professionals are part of the customer support chain in the line of contact between Stream and our customers. Working on behalf of our clients the Technical Support Professional will provide responsive and competent technical support to customers who require assistance with installation and usage of hardware or software application as required by the needs of each specific product line, and also provide customer service and product information. This support is normally provided by telephone although it is increasingly being provided through electronic means, like Internet, Email, Intellectual Edge, or other means to be developed.

Responsibilities:
* Provide a high level of competent support to all customers.
* Act in a mature and professional manner towards customers, clients and colleagues.
* Provide telephone support as scheduled and be available to fill in on the telephone for others on your own or other teams to meet goals of providing excellent customer service.
* Be aware of, understand and support the site¿s overall business targets.
* Actively work for and ensure that the team¿s targets and goals are met.
* Maintain customer satisfaction according to the established systems of measurements.
* Use troubleshooting techniques where required to solve customer problems effectively.
* Use database and call logging tools to provide answers to customers¿ queries and log data.
* Maintain a high level of technical product knowledge in the specified products and become knowledgeable in new products as assigned.
* Uphold the Stream values of Integrity, Personal Growth, Knowledge, Excellence and Innovation at all times.

Personal Success Profile:
* Remain effective and maintain a positive attitude during times of change and stress, and viewing change as an opportunity for improvement.
* Take advantage of opportunities to learn and develop new competencies.
* Demonstrate excellent oral communication skills with the ability to control, manage and direct a conversation while simultaneously identifying essential information.
* Demonstrate excellent interpersonal skills with an ability to create and maintain a good impression, based on competence and credibility.
* Build relationships with team members and co-workers for effective team performance.
* Share information and ideas, and ask questions to ensure common understanding.
* Identify situations causing customer dissatisfaction and strive to reverse or reduce adverse effects.
* Seek opportunities for challenging work tasks.

The purpose of this description is to provide a concise statement of the major responsibilities of this position in a standardised format. It is not intended to describe all elements of the work that may be performed and should not se

But what the hell do they want?

“We are looking for an experienced programmer to work on upgrading existing e-commerce site. Tasks involve:

- Transferring existing Access database into MySQL or SQL Server ”
( You’re kidding, right? You’re running an ecommerce site on Access?)
- Integrating with PayPal gateway service as well as own merchant account
- Integrating with QuickBooks using their SDK
(I’ll get right on it. After all, joining the Intuit Developer Program is only $295 per year.)
- Writing HTML interface
- Creating various reports
- Upgrading existing functionality as well as new functionality developemnt

This project may also include integrating with an existing content management application (training will be provided) and e-mail management aspect.
Current technology in use is ASP. We are considering keeping it or rewriting everything in .NET
(I don’t suppose you’d like to pick one? Before development starts? )
Applicant must be experienced with similar type of projects and will ideally possess all of the above mentioned technology expertize.”
(Riiight. Can’t wait to start working with you ezpertx.)